Falling Off My Chair

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I stepped out of the bar and walked. I kept walking until I found myself by the Brooklyn bridge. How I got there, I have no clue. I was lost in my trance and possibly a bit inebriated.

The wind was picking up, I could sense it as I walked into City Hall Park, with the leaves going in circles on the ground. The sky was dark now and the park was filled with people seemingly running in place.

I thought about the Yellow Brick Road and Leah. It’s so easy to fall into the traps that life sets up for you. I felt for her, that darkness is the easiest hole to fall into and the hardest one to climb out of.

I had been through my own depression when I was 26 years old and I had lost my job. I was renting an apartment in Manhattan and the money I had saved was being spent to eat and stay there. When my friend asked me if I wanted to share an apartment with him, I took him up on the offer.

The day I moved was the Sunday they moved the clock back an hour.

My apartment was on the 44th floor located on the Upper East Side. Packing up my clothing, life’s souvenirs, and my linens was a lonely task for someone who was always kind of melodramatic.

The movers came at 10 in the morning and they took my bed, a garment box and some other boxes. I grabbed my coat and left the keys with the doorman.

My friend was away on business for two weeks or so, so I had the apartment to myself.

After meeting the movers at my new apartment, I got semi-organized and then went out for a drink.

I walked into a bar that was located a half a block away and ordered my Jack Daniels. The bar was crowded with people laughing, talking and watching football on screens surrounding the bar.

The waitresses smiled when they caught your eye and asked if you wanted anything. That hypnotic look made me want to order another round. But since I was low on money I simply smiled and said, “not yet, thank you.”

I watched as the Jets blew a 14 point first half lead and ended up losing by 14 points.

I caught the scene as hopeful lonely people conversed. Later on, strangers were embracing and walking out together.

I ordered a second round, this time a double and the waitress smiled her practiced smile. “You got it!”

I felt invisible as I sat there and everyone around me were enjoying each other.

A friend from my former job walked in with a woman who was way above his grade. I turned away to avoid being seen. I didn’t feel like talking to someone I knew already. Someone who would feel sympathy for me.

I took out my phone and began to scroll. Grimacing and smiling as if I was busy checking emails. Suddenly I went from feeling invisible to falling off my chair.

I woke up to an EMT checking my vitals. My friend was standing over me, “David, I’m here if you need me.” Then looking at the EMT he said, “bring him to the hospital in case he is having a heart attack.”

Why was he talking on my behalf?

Could I really be having a heart attack at 26 years old? My chest did feel heavy and I was sweating like Niagara Falls. Could it be? Millions of thoughts came rushing to me and before I knew it I was in an ambulance.

I was shaking when they pushed me into a waiting area to be seen. They heard I had chest pains so they took me right away.

I was tested with an electrocardiogram and prodded.

“Have you ever had an anxiety attack?”

I never even heard of an anxiety attack.

“Is that dangerous?”

“No but you need to address it sooner rather than later.”

The next morning I called my brother and asked him if he has a psychologist he could recommend.

“Yes I do.”

I met with her the next day, luckily she had an opening.

“What brought you here?”

That’s when my journey through the dark side began.